Recently I have reflected on the things I did in that relationship and reread journals of our time spent together. What did I find? He was not the only one who was an asshole; I was, too. Although everything I wrote was 100% true, maybe I left out many of the good parts of our relationship and only talked about the bad times. And there were many good times, as well.
If I were still in contact with this man, I would send him a letter, because I have never forgotten him, and a part of me will always love him. It may be wrong, and he and I will never be friends or have any type of relationship or contact, but I thought I would write here about the email I should have sent him long ago and never did. Here it is:
Hi - I know it's been a long time, and I don't have anything bad to say at all. This weekend I was reading through my personal journal (not a book), and I had copied and pasted so many of our IM conversations along with my thoughts over the two years we were together. It brought back so many memories, both good and bad. Mostly what I wondered was how could it go so wrong?
What we had was a once in a lifetime thing, at least for me. I never lied to you about loving you forever and never being able to get over you. I do, and I haven't. I'm sure you have moved on and forgotten that I even exist, and I don't blame you. But maybe you look back on our time together with some loving thoughts like I do. I know I have never been closer to anyone in my life than I was to you. And I did many things wrong, but I hope I did at least some of them right.
My life has never been the same without you in it, and it never will be. When I told you that I was speaking the truth. In rereading our conversations I tried to come to terms with the lies you told me, and I think I did that. I also read hours upon hours of conversations of love and hope on both of our parts, I hope. That was the last time I was truly happy. In 2012 and 2013 when I was with you. I certainly wasn't before, and I doubt I ever will be again.
Maybe I'm trying to say I'm sorry for my part in your pain and unhappiness, maybe I'm just being nostalgic and reminiscing, but reading those journal entries of mine and our conversations made me remember the love that I thought you felt for me. The thought that anyone could love me as much as I thought you did was a true miracle to me.
I do hope you are happy, at least happier than I have been. I hope your life is on track and maybe you have found it in your heart to forgive me for my part in the things that blew up our relationship. When I said what I felt for you was a forever kind of love that would never die, no matter what, I was telling the truth. I know there is no way for us to ever have any kind of relationship or friendship, but I do want to thank you. Thank you for being there when I desperately needed someone. Thank you for teaching me that I really could love and have hope. Thank you for everything you did for me.
I don't know if you will ever read this. I wrote this because I needed to, after all the pain and heartache...just to remind myself that those feelings for you were real, and they still are. Like I said, a once in a lifetime thing for me. I just wanted you to know how I felt and feel.
Please be happy, my forever love
Trace
Of course I never sent the email because I don't ever want to intrude on his life again. But I just thought I would put this out in the universe because he wasn't the only one to blame. I know this is different from my usual sexy posts, but today I felt the need to write something a little more heartfelt.
I hope you all have a sexy day!
XoXo
Tracy
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